In 2023, I went through a brutal breakup. At the time, I found myself nearing 30 and experiencing not only heartbreak but also the worst depressive episode of my life. I was at an extremely low point in life: single, unemployed, and without a strong support system. I felt extremely lonely, broken, and a shell of who I used to be – or who I thought I was. There was only up from there. I realized relatively quickly that the actual breakup wasn’t the problem – that was the blessing. Healing from the abuse I endured, working on self-love, rebuilding my confidence, and showing up in life were the tricky parts.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it: I still heal, and as you can probably guess, it’s not a linear process. I’m nowhere near where I was, though. That’s a powerful realization and, at the same time, the biggest promise I’ve given to myself: I can never go back.
Two years ago, I realized that if I wanted to recover and move on, I had to fall in love with myself. It was okay to sit with my sad feelings for a while, but then I had to find a way out.
I knew I’d be okay because I’d decided that I’d be.
Here are 4 ways I showed love to myself and can help you turn a traumatic heartbreak into self-love.
1. I forgave myself
For the longest time, I held a grudge against myself for not leaving the relationship earlier and enduring so much. I was mad at myself for giving so much power to another person. My inner monologue was like: I thought I was smarter. I thought I’d never let such things happen to me. Why didn’t I leave earlier? I essentially blamed myself for another person’s abusive actions.
It took me a long time to forgive and let go of the resentment towards myself. I did a lot of research, and luckily I stumbled upon Ho’oponopono. It’s an old Hawaiian practice that boosts forgiveness, reconciliation, and, to my experience, self-love. It’s simple enough and focused on the repetition of four phrases: “I’m sorry”, “Please forgive me”, “Thank you”, and “I love you”. These meditations truly helped me to forgive myself, accept the situation, and practice self-compassion.
Journaling was another practice that helped me. At the time, I didn’t use any prompts. I just kept writing down all the things I wanted to forgive myself about, and the reasons I wanted to do so. This powerful technique helped me get in touch with my feelings, and get over things I couldn’t deal with.
2. I gave time to myself
After a couple of months of depression and self-pity, I was eager to feel better. I wasn’t ready for that, though, yet, and soon I realized that such things cannot be forced. So, after some resistance, I started giving time to myself to experience the feelings I needed to feel. There were days I could barely do anything other than staring at the void, crying, binge-watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, and eating junk food.
I couldn’t practice self-love or take good care of myself. I didn’t have the mental capacity to write my thoughts down or go out to get some sunlight.
So, I didn’t judge myself and stopped fighting it. That’s all I could do at the moment. I told myself it was okay that I needed to take it slower and have a break from real life. Those days didn’t last for a long time, but they weren’t consecutive either. For a while, I could have 2 good weeks and 3 really bad days – or even vice versa. I eventually found balance, though.
3.I redirected the energy I used to waste on my relationship toward myself
At some point, I realized I had too much time on my hands. I didn’t waste all day waiting for a text back or getting sad over breadcrumbs anymore. I didn’t have to analyze behaviors that weren’t even mine. I was mentally-free, and I could do whatever I wanted in a (finally) judgement – free zone.
I watched shows I’d wanted to watch for years. I started coloring and bullet journaling. I went on solo dates and trips. I treated myself to cute and girly things. I celebrated Valentine’s Day on my own, and I had a blast. I had a really good time celebrating my birthday.
I did things I wasn’t able to enjoy for years for several reasons. I managed to get closer to myself discovering or remembering things I genuinely like and rediscovered joy in certain activities.
4. I didn’t rush back into dating
I took the time to enjoy my singlehood. I needed to figure out what I actually wanted from my next relationship and partner. For months, I didn’t have the energy to even think about dating. Eventually, I also realized that I shouldn’t rush into it.
I didn’t need only to heal but also discover what love meant for me and how I wanted to be loved. I’d wasted half of my 20s in a terrible relationship that taught me nothing nice about love and partnership. I didn’t want to lose any more time.
So, I spent time on my own figuring out my boundaries and standards, learning to enjoy my own company, and thinking about how my ideal relationship would be.
I started dating my current partner 1.5 year later, and I still wasn’t sure it wasn’t too early.
Healing and practicing self-love after heartbreak can be a complicated process but one that is absolutely worth it. The most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to take your time. You’ll experience many ups and downs on this journey, but the lessons will be valuable.
Thanks for reading and being here today!
Until next time! ❤️
